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goldfishDear Leodini,

I heard you are an aquarium/fish expert, so maybe you can help my husband’s new magic act. He is too shy to ask you for help, so I’m asking your assistance in his behalf.

Here’s what the audience sees: my husband puts several goldfish in his mouth, chews them and then spits them out back into a glass of water.

My husband says that no goldfish are harmed during the performance. There’s an illusion of the fish being chewed but actually they are safely hidden in his mouth.

Will you please suggest a method on how to produce such magical effect?

goldfishMy husband has brainstormed for weeks now, yet he has not found a practical method for his envisioned magic trick. He is so distraught by his failure that he has asked me to buy more goldfish. He wants them to dogfight and entertain him. He sometimes wakes up at dawn and watch the goldfish swim around hoping they will fight each other.

Please help my husband before he losses his mind.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Brenda Fisher


dishHi Brenda,

You heard it wrong. I’m not an expert in goldfish. As a magician in the Philippines, my expertise is Lapu-lapu, when it’s already grilled and on a dish.

Your husband may be disappointed to discover that fish don’t engage in dogfights. Only dogs and sometimes airplanes do that.  He can wait in front of the aquarium for years and years in the hope of seeing fish fight, but they never do.

Fish are a peaceful species. That’s how they got the name “fish”, which is derived from the Anglo Saxon word “peace”, which in Tagalog means “walang away.”

In ancient times, when warring tribes got fed up killing each other, they threw away their spears and swords. And then they just slapped each other with fish to indicate that they wanted a truce.

It just so happened that when the Americans immigrated to America, they started mispronouncing “peace” as “fish”. From that time on, “peace” as in “isda” became known as “fish”.

Today nobody calls a Lapu-lapu or tinolang isda “peace” anymore. It’s always the artsy-fartsy “Lapu-lapu fish” and “tinolang fish”, thanks to the American‘s inability to pronounce “peace” correctly. (Well, the exceptions are the Bisaya. We Bisaya still correctly pronounce “fish” as “pis” or “piss”.)

So back to your husband…he will never get the fish to fight each other. Yes, sometimes they do look like they are fighting, but actually they are just flirting with each other or actually mating.

It always happens at dawn, at around 3AM. That’s the time when the fish of whatever color feel romantic or horny. When you see them chase each other or violently jostle one another, they are actually playing a courtship or mating game.

A husband who watches goldfish in the aquarium at 3AM is either lonely or romantically inclined. He doesn’t want to watch goldfish fight. He wants intimacy with a mermaid on his bed.

You, as a perceptive wife, should know what to do.

Mermaid-21Buy a mermaid costume and wear it at three in the morning.

As to the method of chewing and then spitting goldfish from the mouth, tell you husband to forget it. Some goldfish have parasites stuck to their scales. Putting goldfish in the mouth, therefore, is unsanitary. It can cause bird flu.

Stay magical,

(World renowned teller of fish stories)