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Today is the first day of a new year.  This is the day I usually write a joke titled “My New Year’s Resolution.”

It’s a joke that isn’t funny.  After three days, I don’t even look at what I have written.  I then go back to my old, lazy days and bad habits.

I’m marooned in mediocrity.  My New Year’s resolution—there is a heap of them from previous years—can’t seem to help me.  I’m incorrigible, I think.

So today, I write again, but not a New Year’s Resolution.  I’m done with it.  I’ll write something instead—my twisted version of folk wisdom handed to humanity by generations of our forefathers.

Read them at your own risk. I think you can find some use for them to soothe your psyche, whatever that means. Follow these wise sayings to your perdition.

An apple a day…is seven apples in one week.

PhotobucketAn apple a day kills two birds with one stone.

A rolling stone keeps the doctor away.

You are barking at the wrong dog.

If at first you don’t succeed, find someone to blame.

PhotobucketA rolling stone is worth two birds in the bush.

Experience is the best teacher, but “no experience” is the best girlfriend.

Experience is the best love guru.

An apple a day gives you hyperacidity.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent Leodini.

PhotobucketBehind every successful man is his shadow.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with buying an airline ticket.

Count your blessings—if you have any.

PhotobucketBreak glass in case you are fired.

A closed mouth catches no fries.

He walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, therefore, he is impersonating a duck.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, because you are not a judge.

Knock and you shall not be open.  Try the door bell instead.

Better late than never. But better never late.

Better to give than be robbed.

PhotobucketDon’t cry over spilt milk under the bridge.

Stay magical,