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Dear Leodini,

Yesterday I performed magic at a boy’s seventh birthday. I kept forgetting my script and the flow of my tricks, because the kids were super noisy. They were chattering non-stop like political commentators on the radio raising issues on everything in the world.  The children kept claiming they knew they have seen my tricks before and they enthusiastically offered solutions how the tricks were done.

Help me please.  Is there a kid-friendly way to say “shut up” while I’m performing?


Deaf Magician

First of all, there’s no friendly way to say shut up. You may use variants of the term like “you swine.” “you little maggots,” “you worthless bag of filth,” “you’re all putrid mass of walking vomit,” and the like. They all mean shut-up. But to those who are making the noise, these terms are all unfriendly.  You see, it has been written before, and I will write it again. Shut-up by any name is still shut-up.

Second, practice more, so you won’t forget your script.

Third, rehearse your routines, so you won’t get lost in the labyrinth of your act.

A well-rehearsed magician will not forget his lines or the flow of his routine even if a jumbo jet roars overhead.  So what chances have noisy kids of  derailing your act with their chatter?

Third, why would you want to shut up the kids? I wouldn’t. I’ve conceived and created my shows with a single-minded purpose—to get enthusiastic (yes, noisy) reactions. Let me tell you it’s uplifting for you spirit as performer if the children  are clapping, laughing, screaming, shouting, shrieking, and, of course, talking.  On the other hand, it is deflating to your ego when they are silent. You are performing at a birthday party, not praying a novena inside a cathedral.

Now, for me, there are two types of talking: Type One— talking directly to the magician, as in, “I saw the rabbit run that way,” or “Turn it around!” or “Do it again” or “The ball is on a string!”.

Type Two—talking among themselves briefly, as in nudging each other and whispering to one another, “Did you see that?”, “What did I tell ya. The rabbit would appear in that red box!”

Type Three—talking at length among themselves, not listening, exchanging blows, making faces then saying, “This magician sucks. Let’s go play video games.”

The first two types should fill your soul with joy. The third should suggest that you practice more or commit suicide.

Stay magical,